Post by Doug on May 27, 2014 22:17:52 GMT
DOCUMENTATION ATTACHED TO THE SIDE OF THE MACHINE:
███-███ appears to be a large black vending machine with no front glass panel, and a small keypad on the right side. ███-███ was recovered in ████████, Japan. ███-███ was brought to the Foundation’s attention after investigation of an “urban legend” about a “magic vending machine” that was circulating on the internet. ███-███ was found in a back alley behind a large shopping center, with a hand-written sign saying “out of order” in Japanese taped to it. ███-███ has no marks or identification of any kind, and no locals remember when or how it came to be in its current location.
Internally, ███-███ appears to be a basic vending machine equipped to vend food and beverage items. After a key was made and the front door opened, no abnormal materials were found, and it was determined that ███-███ has never actually contained any food or beverage items. The keypad, while connected and operating correctly, does not activate any of the dispensing mechanisms.
When money is placed into ███-███ and a three-digit number is entered on the keypad, ███-███ will vend a random item. ███-███ has not accepted any currency other than ███, with rejected currency being deposited in the coin return slot. It is unknown how these items appear; however, ███-███ will not operate when the door is open, or when recording devices are placed inside. The number entered on the keypad has no effect on the item vended, nor has any pattern been detected. Items are always some form of “snack food”, and typically have bright, attention-grabbing packaging.
███-███ is capable of operating with no external power supply, but operation in this state will cause “unstable” vending to occur much more quickly than normal. If ███-███ is used several times in a short period of time and/or large amounts of money are entered before an item is vended, ███-███ will start to dispense bizarre items. While still “food”, their suitability for human consumption is often non-existent.
Internally, ███-███ appears to be a basic vending machine equipped to vend food and beverage items. After a key was made and the front door opened, no abnormal materials were found, and it was determined that ███-███ has never actually contained any food or beverage items. The keypad, while connected and operating correctly, does not activate any of the dispensing mechanisms.
When money is placed into ███-███ and a three-digit number is entered on the keypad, ███-███ will vend a random item. ███-███ has not accepted any currency other than ███, with rejected currency being deposited in the coin return slot. It is unknown how these items appear; however, ███-███ will not operate when the door is open, or when recording devices are placed inside. The number entered on the keypad has no effect on the item vended, nor has any pattern been detected. Items are always some form of “snack food”, and typically have bright, attention-grabbing packaging.
███-███ is capable of operating with no external power supply, but operation in this state will cause “unstable” vending to occur much more quickly than normal. If ███-███ is used several times in a short period of time and/or large amounts of money are entered before an item is vended, ███-███ will start to dispense bizarre items. While still “food”, their suitability for human consumption is often non-existent.
ADDENDUM ███-███-A:
Care to try your luck with our fancy new machine? Just insert any amount of your boondollars from 5B to 50B, enter a three digit code, let the machine work its magic! Everything that has or ever will exist in Paradox Space is accessible through this here Pan-Dimensional Vending Machine, so try your luck today! See what has been vended in the past:
“Coke Zero” – A can of diet Coke, packaging in English.
“Cheetos” – A small bag of Cheetos snack food, packaging in English.
“Black Black” – A single pack of caffeinated chewing gum, packaging in Japanese.
“Yan Yan” – A single Yan Yan cone, with peach dipping frosting, packaging in Japanese. The Meiji Seika Company does not produce this flavor.
“Pepsi: Dragon Twist” – A can of Pepsi cola, with a trace of fruit flavor, packaging in English. Flavor identified as Dragon Fruit. PepsiCo does not produce this product.
“Darkside Cola” – A “can” with clear plastic sides, packaging in Japanese. Liquid inside is clear. When opened, liquid appears to react to the air, and changes to dark black over a period of several seconds. The black coloration “looks like billowing smoke”, and cannot be reversed. Liquid’s taste described as “cola, with something spicy in it.”
“The Little Bakery: 7 Grain” – A small tube the size of a candy bar with a green button, made of aluminum, packaging in English. When the top is twisted off, a mass of “dough” is extruded. “Dough” contains several enzymes and bacteria that have not yet been identified. On contact with air, these cause the dough to rise and “bake”, killing the microbes in the process. Produces a small, round loaf of bread weighing 250 grams. Taste described as good, but chewy.
“Lemon Clams” – Thick plastic baggie with a plastic tube on the side, containing water and twelve clams, packaging in Dutch. Following on-package instructions, the plastic tube was cracked like a “glow stick”. Liquid in the bag flashed to steam, venting from a hole that popped open in the top of the bag, slightly burning one researcher. Steaming finished after thirty-eight seconds, after which clams were found to be fully cooked and infused with a mild lemon flavor. On investigation, clams match no recorded species.
“<Unknown>” – Small mesh bag filled with small, multi-colored pyramids, packaging in an unknown language. Pyramids found to be very hard and unpleasant tasting, compared to chalk in taste and consistency. When placed in hot water, pyramids open and produce “strings” that quickly dissolve, coloring the water the same shade as the pyramid. Water had no additional taste, but testing revealed a sharp increase in mineral, carbohydrate, and protein content, with several minerals unidentified at the present time. This content was found to be consistent with the recommended daily intake of nutrients for adult humans. Researcher ingesting the water reported stomach cramps two hours later, but no other effects.
“<Unknown>” – Aluminum box with a small glass window on the side, and a large round button on the top, packaging in an unknown language. Box is seamless, and appears to be filled with small, round animals covered in fur, each with three small paws and a single large eye. Pressing the button causes the inside of the box to rapidly become super-heated, cooking the small animals alive. Muffled noises and scratching were heard for several seconds during the cooking process. After one minute, thirty seconds, the front panel opens and gives access to the now-cooked animals. Professor Kain volunteered to eat the animals, with no other researchers willing to do so. Taste described as crunchy and very spicy, with a small hint of beef.
“<Unknown>” – Tall, thin aluminum can, packaging in an unknown language. Opening the can caused a chemical reaction with the liquid inside the can. Liquid was apparently not intended for an oxygenated atmosphere, and detonated violently, causing [REDACTED]. Testing discontinued, and area cleared. Testing area observed to smell like citrus for several days.
WARNING: Woolsey and Co. are not responsible for any damages incurred by use of this vending machine.
“Coke Zero” – A can of diet Coke, packaging in English.
“Cheetos” – A small bag of Cheetos snack food, packaging in English.
“Black Black” – A single pack of caffeinated chewing gum, packaging in Japanese.
“Yan Yan” – A single Yan Yan cone, with peach dipping frosting, packaging in Japanese. The Meiji Seika Company does not produce this flavor.
“Pepsi: Dragon Twist” – A can of Pepsi cola, with a trace of fruit flavor, packaging in English. Flavor identified as Dragon Fruit. PepsiCo does not produce this product.
“Darkside Cola” – A “can” with clear plastic sides, packaging in Japanese. Liquid inside is clear. When opened, liquid appears to react to the air, and changes to dark black over a period of several seconds. The black coloration “looks like billowing smoke”, and cannot be reversed. Liquid’s taste described as “cola, with something spicy in it.”
“The Little Bakery: 7 Grain” – A small tube the size of a candy bar with a green button, made of aluminum, packaging in English. When the top is twisted off, a mass of “dough” is extruded. “Dough” contains several enzymes and bacteria that have not yet been identified. On contact with air, these cause the dough to rise and “bake”, killing the microbes in the process. Produces a small, round loaf of bread weighing 250 grams. Taste described as good, but chewy.
“Lemon Clams” – Thick plastic baggie with a plastic tube on the side, containing water and twelve clams, packaging in Dutch. Following on-package instructions, the plastic tube was cracked like a “glow stick”. Liquid in the bag flashed to steam, venting from a hole that popped open in the top of the bag, slightly burning one researcher. Steaming finished after thirty-eight seconds, after which clams were found to be fully cooked and infused with a mild lemon flavor. On investigation, clams match no recorded species.
“<Unknown>” – Small mesh bag filled with small, multi-colored pyramids, packaging in an unknown language. Pyramids found to be very hard and unpleasant tasting, compared to chalk in taste and consistency. When placed in hot water, pyramids open and produce “strings” that quickly dissolve, coloring the water the same shade as the pyramid. Water had no additional taste, but testing revealed a sharp increase in mineral, carbohydrate, and protein content, with several minerals unidentified at the present time. This content was found to be consistent with the recommended daily intake of nutrients for adult humans. Researcher ingesting the water reported stomach cramps two hours later, but no other effects.
“<Unknown>” – Aluminum box with a small glass window on the side, and a large round button on the top, packaging in an unknown language. Box is seamless, and appears to be filled with small, round animals covered in fur, each with three small paws and a single large eye. Pressing the button causes the inside of the box to rapidly become super-heated, cooking the small animals alive. Muffled noises and scratching were heard for several seconds during the cooking process. After one minute, thirty seconds, the front panel opens and gives access to the now-cooked animals. Professor Kain volunteered to eat the animals, with no other researchers willing to do so. Taste described as crunchy and very spicy, with a small hint of beef.
“<Unknown>” – Tall, thin aluminum can, packaging in an unknown language. Opening the can caused a chemical reaction with the liquid inside the can. Liquid was apparently not intended for an oxygenated atmosphere, and detonated violently, causing [REDACTED]. Testing discontinued, and area cleared. Testing area observed to smell like citrus for several days.
WARNING: Woolsey and Co. are not responsible for any damages incurred by use of this vending machine.